Do I Really Belong In This Job?

Well, this is the second Friday since I returned to work from vacation. I was going to post last week about how being back at work was going, but I'm kind of glad I waited until today. I think I have a better perspective on my job now than when I first went back.

I'm really starting to wonder if I belong in day care. I need a new job for financial reasons but I also feel that I need a new one for deeper reasons. I'm not fulfilled in day care. Don't get me wrong. I love my babies dearly, and the thought of being away from them and having someone else caring for them really hurts. Too, their parents trust me with their most prized possessions and I feel that if I quit I'll be letting them down. But everyday the feeling that I'm wasting my life grows more and more intense.

There're a couple of causes of this feeling. First, I don't get any respect on the job. My co-workers and my boss think that my class is easy because the babies are so cute. None of them appreciates how hard my class really is and nobody does anything I ask them to do when they're in my room. When I went on vacation I specifically asked that the babies not be rocked to sleep or spoiled in any way. Guess what? When I returned to work the babies had been rocked to sleep and spoiled. And I wasn't supposed to notice. That's how dumb they think I am. Either that or they think that since the infants' class isn't a real class it doesn't matter if what I request gets done or not. And there's more.

I constantly get stuck with the phone when my boss is out of the office. That's right; I'm expected to play secretary while trying to care for four demanding infants. When I complained I was told that the phone was left with me because my room was, get this, the quietest room in the building! Another time I complained I was told, "How hard can it be?" That let me know how little my boss understood about just what goes on in my class. It was another dose of we-don't-have-to-take-you-seriously-because-you're-just-the-infant-teacher syndrome. I'm sick of that! I may be "just" the infants' teacher but I work hard. I'd like to see my boss take two of my babies into her office for two or three hours and care for them while doing all of her office duties. Of course, that won't happen.

Another reason I think I'm wasting my live in day care is that there's no intellectual challenge in it. I get great emotional highs caring for my babies, but there're no intellectual highs to match them. I didn't realize I was missing that until I was talking with my friend about my job and she said she wished I was using my brain power at work. It was like a light bulb went on over my head. That's when I realized what I was missing at work.

Taking care of four babies is physically challenging and emotionally rewarding but it requires no mental effort at all. Keeping little babies clean, dry, fed, and entertained isn't rocket science, as the saying goes. At the end of the day I feel like I've accomplished nothing. That's a miserable feeling. And no amount of hugs, smiles, laughs, and funny faces from the babies compensates for that. I don't know what to do. There's no way for me to get intellectual gratification at work. Getting puked on and wiping snotty noses just don't get the mental juices flowing.

So I'm at a crossroads. I want and need to change jobs/careers for a few important reasons, but my love for the babies--and their parents--is holding me back. I can't stand the thought of "my" parents or the babies feeling abandoned if I leave, but I need to have my own life. That's another thing I realized about my job; it's an obstacle to me having a life of my own. By caring for their children I'm giving up my own life so "my" parents can live theirs. That seems so unfair. But I got myself into this situation and it's up to me to get myself out.

So I guess the answer to the title questions is no, I don't belong in this job. I don't know what job I do belong in or when I'll find it, but day care is not it. Admitting that makes me sad. I hate the thought of not seeing my babies everyday; I love watching them grow, reach their milestones, and learn new skills. I don't know how I'll cope with not having cute, chubby faces to snap pictures of all the time. But I'll learn because the pay off will be having my life again. And that'll be a wonderful pay off indeed.